I’ve got this theory about Insane Clown Posse.

For as long as I have known about ICP, I’ve never really taken them seriously. At first, I thought it was a joke or novelty act (can you really blame me?). Like Bobby ‘Boris’ Pickett’s “Monster Mash” or Richard Cheese and Lounge Against the Machine, I thought ICP was just a couple of pranksters who had paired up with everyone else on Earth to trick me into thinking getting a record deal was easy. Sadly, I soon realized that people were actually serious about them. These people (who call themselves ‘Juggaloes’) are roughly as annoying and obsessed as any run-of-the-mill Twilight fan, wearing stupid shirts with annoying images of crap that I don’t care about.

Now, I know that you know my taste in music and the fact that it doesn’t encompass Insane Clown Posse. For those of you who don’t know this…

shame on you, you silly, silly person.

However, one of their more recently released songs, named ‘Miracles’, came to my attention through the overuse of a recent internet meme. It’s simply one lyric from the song itself, stating “f*ckin’ magnets, how do they work?” The internet had its fun with the phrase, and for a while, everyone was happy. But soon, my mind began to wonder. “What does the rest of this song say?” I though. “What else do Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope (those are their real stage names. Seriously.) consider miracles?”

Fast forward to now, and you can already tell what this post is about. I made the mistake of taking a trip to YouTube and searching for the entire song. Sadly, I found it (in high-def) and watched the whole thing. Twice. Not because it was good or influential, mind you. I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

Nothing caught my ear throughout most of the first ‘verse’, but nearing the end of said verse comes this little gem: “F*ckin’ rainbows after it rains, there’s enough miracles here to blow your brains, I fed a fish to a pelican at Frisco bay, it tried to eat my cell phone, he ran away.” Now, this is pretty bad. I’m positive that if this was Colin Meloy instead of ICP, he would’ve stopped at this point (even if he didn’t get the middle 8.) Not only are rainbows not miracles, but the line about the pelican is just ridiculous. Maybe Violent J thought it was a miracle that the pelican didn’t kill him, even though he really deserves it. Let’s face it, if I was that pelican, I would’ve beaten J and Shaggy to death with my fish-filled throat-pouch.

The second line that really hit me was the overused line that brought me to the song in the first place. In context, the line is: “Water, fire, air and dirt, f*cking magnets, how do they work?” I can’t help but thinking that it actually makes less sense in the context of the song. Whenever I would see it on the internet, I thought that maybe the ICP boys were experiencing a bit of scientific curiousity and were yearning the learn how magnets worked, but then, I listened to the song and realized that they are just douche bags.

Finally comes one of the last lines of the entire song. Believe me when I tell that I almost gave up on the song and life itself until I heard this line. Simply put, it is “Magic everywhere in this bitch!” Honestly, this is the best line of the song. When I hear the phrase “Magic everywhere in this bitch!”, I know everything is going to be alright and that the last 6 minutes of my life (4 for the song and a couple extra for buffering) have not been in vain, but have actually been the ones most wisely spent in that day. Please, dear reader, keep this phrase in mind next time you are down. I guarantee it will bring you right back up again.

Honestly, other than a few bits of silliness about long-necked giraffes and pet dogs and cats, the rest of the song is just general Insane Clown Posse jackassery, which you can get from any of their ELEVEN STUDIO ALBUMS! You read that correctly. 11. Why I don’t have a record deal is beyond me at this point.

In closing, I must say “Music is all magic. You can’t even hold it. It’s just there in the air. Pure motherf*cking magic, right? This sh*t’ll blow your f*cking mind!” and remember that there is always “Magic everywhere in this bitch!”

Also, don’t forget that those are actual lyrics from the song. If you are strong-willed and truly want to hear for yourself, well… here you go: F**king Miracles