Before I start, let me say a few things. I know my responsibilities. It is my job to bring important music-related issues to you, the reader. You trust me to tell you about the roads I have traveled to hear great music and the tiny, drug-dealing cavemen that come with the territory.

Today, I won’t be doing that. I won’t provide you with a link to a video. I won’t be gentle.

I have come to you today to air my grievances about a music video parody that I have discovered.

Enjoy.

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I don’t claim to like Katy Perry. Frankly, I find her music annoying and her body attractive. Nothing more. Upon the release of one of her more recent ‘hits’, California Gurls [sic], I promptly made a Beach Boys reference and went on my way. Honestly, I’ve never listened to the whole song, and I’ve definitely never watched the music video.

However, I’ve seen something similar, but far worse. The almighty BuzzFeed brought a parody to my attention today. It was called ‘West Virginia Gurls’ [sic] and was sung by a fat, ugly drag queen with blue hair. So, I clicked it and loaded it. “What’s not to like?” I thought to myself.

Everything.

Everything is not to like about this song. (I realize that this grammar is terrible, but I am trying to make a point. It’s my blog. Get off my back.)

The song is just a string of vulgar jokes and tired stereotypes. Now, for those of you that know me personally, you may be asking why this is a problem for me. While I do enjoy a good incest joke or meth reference as much as the next 21-year-old, the lyrics were just overwhelmingly retarded. (TAKE THAT, SARAH PALIN!)

As if the whining lyrics weren’t bad enough, the video looks like what would happen if a 16-year-old self-hating gay redneck tired to make a John Waters movie. It is actually that bad. Half the men are dressed as ugly women, and the other half are dressed in nothing but poop-stained underwear and baseball caps. One person has a baby hanging from their stomach. One person uses a corn cob as a sexual device.

It’s all just unbearably bad. Not offensive, mind you. I was prepared for offensive. I was actually hoping for offensive. This is just…. bad. That’s really the only word to describe it.

I watched the whole video. For you, the reader. I did it so you didn’t have to. Notice that I didn’t post a video, but only because I don’t want you to watch it. I don’t want you to suffer. I want to save you the 4 minutes and 3 three seconds that I wasted on this hillbilly-ripping, drug-fueled musical abortion.

I urge you, the reader, to keep your prying minds and swift fingers from searching for it on YouTube. But if you decide to take a look, but blame me for the bandwidth and time that you decided to waste.

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